Dear Sirs,
I'm trying to help a friend in the Purchasing dept, meron po ba sa inyong me alam kung saan sa atin sa 'Pinas meron nagma-manufacture ng copper alloy plates? (I myself can't think of one). Maraming salamat po and God bless. Vivian
Papers presented during the 2010 MINECON can now be downloaded by registered members of this site. Having said that, only members who have logged in can view the download links.
Good morning mga sir, saan pwede i-download ang tentaive sked and activities ng MINECON2010... yung link kasi sa downloads ay broken... hndi ma kapag download... Thanks.
Battleof the Brainless was a hit segment of the comedy show called Tropang
Trumpo. This show was significant because it ushered the wave of similar
comedies (mostly spoofs) in local television. Coming from a new and
relatively unknown TV station at that time, ABC 5, it made people sit up
and watch and roll in laughter. It also started the comedy careers of the
show's original cast: Ogie Alcasid, Michael V., Smokey Manoloto, Earl
Ignacio, Gelli de Belen and Carmina Villaroel. The show was a brainchild of
veteran actors Edgar Mortiz and Al Tantay. Battleof the Brainless was a
spoof of a quiz show Battleof the Brains. It became a big hit in the
mid-1990s.
Emcee : Ano ang national animal ng Pilipinas? It begins with the letter K.
(Kalabaw)
Brainless : Kuto!
MC : Mali ! Sa lupa ito gumagalaw, hindi sa ulo.
BL : Kutong-lupa?
MC : Ano ang national animal ng Australia ? It begins with the letter K.
(Kangaroo)
BL : Kalabaw!
MC : Mali ! It ends with the letter O.
BL : Kabayo!
MC : Malipa rin! Tumatalon-talon ito.
BL : Kuneho!
MC : Malipa rin! It ends with double-O.
BL : KunehO-O?
MC : Ano ang national dress ng Pilipinas with the letters B and S? (Baro at
Saya)
BL : Blouse and skirt!
H : What is the national tree of the Philippines ?
Clue : Starts with the letter "N"
C : Niyog?
H : Mas matigas pa diyan.
C : (In a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!
H : Saan tayo madalas pumupunta pag summer upang maligo?
Clue : Starts with "B" (Beach)
C : Banyo?
H : Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.
C : Sa bubong?
H : Hindi, marami kang makikita doong mga babaeng naka-bikini.
C : Sa beerhouse?
H : Ano ang total ng 2 + 2?
C : Three!
H : Hinde, mas mataas pa diyan.
C : (In a high pitched voice) Three!
MC : Ano ang tawag sa tagasagip sa nalulunod? (Lifeguard)
BL : Safeguard!
MC : Mali ! It begins with the letter L.
BL : Lifebuoy?
MC : Sino ang latest Darna with the initials AA? (Anjanette Abayari)
BL : Anthony Alonzo!
MC : Mali ! Babae siya.
BL : Alicia Alonzo?
MC : Sino ang national hero ng Pilipinas? The initials are JPR. (Dr. Jose
P. Rizal)
BL : Jeric P. Raval!
MC : Mali ! He is a doctor.
BL : Dr. Jeric P. Raval?
MC : Ano ang national bird ng Pilipinas? It begins with the letter M.
(Maya)
BL : Manok!
MC : Mali ! Kulay brown ito.
BL : Pritong Manok?
MC : Mali ! Maliit na maliit ito.
BL : Maggi Chicken Cube!
MC : Sino ang tinaguriang concert queen ng Pilipinas with initials PF?
(Pops Fernandez)
BL : Pernando Foe!
MC : Mali ! Queen nga, e, di babae!
BL : Mrs. Pernando Foe --- si Susan Roces.
MC : Ano ang national flower ng Pilipinas? It begins with the letter S.
(Sampaguita)
BL : Sitsaron!
MC : Mali ! Flower sabi, hindi pagkain.
BL : Sitsarong bulaklak?
MC : Mali ! It ends with the letter "A".
BL : Sitsarong bulaklak with suka!
MC : Malipa rin! Kapangalan ito ng isang singer.
BL : Sharon Cuneta.
MC : Sino ang pumatay kay Magellan? Initials niya ay LL. (LapuLapu)
BL : Lito Lapid!
MC : Mali ! Inuulit ang pangalan.
BL : Lito Lito!
MC : Malipa rin! First name lang.
BL : LotLot!
MC : Hindi! Mas mahaba iyon.
BL : LotLot ... and Friends?
MC : Sino ang American martial arts expert with the initials CN? (Chuck
Norris)
BL : Chuck Norri!
MC : Lagyan mo naman ng S!
BL : Chucks Norri?
MC : Sino ang ating bayaning tinaguriang "Ang Dakilang Lumpo" with the
initials AM? (Apolinario Mabini)
BL : Si Alma Moreno !
MC : Mail! Lalaki iyon.
BL : Si Mr. Alma Moreno?
MC : Mali ! Patay na iyon.
BL : Ha? Namatay na si Alma Moreno?
MC : Ano ang kaharap ng writer sa trabaho na nagsisimula sa letter M?
(Makinilya)
BL : Money!
MC : Hindi! Ginagamitan ito ng mga daliri.
BL : Manicure?
MC : Malipa rin. Ito ay may ribbon.
BL : Manika!
MC : Malina naman. Ito ay may maraming letters.
BL : Mailbox!
MC : Hindi. Ito ay may kulay.
BL : Mens!
MC : Ano ang tawag sa gamit na pang-hapagkainan na bilog at kadalasa'y gawa
sa ceramic o porcelain at nagsisimula sa letter P? (Plato)
BL : Platito!
MC : Mali ! Mas malaki ito kesa sa platito.
BL : Palanggana?
MC : Malipa rin! Ginagamit ito sa pagkain.
BL : Pustiso!
MC : After one year, ipinagdiriwang ito tulad ng "Unang A "? (Anibersaryo)
BL : Away!
MC : Mali . Ito ay may kinalalaman sa inyong relasyon bilang mag-asawa.
BL : Annulment.
MC : Malina naman. Ito ay patunay sa inyong matamis na pagsasama.
BL : Aneymoon!
MC : Maliuli. Sa 25 years, ang tawag ay silver. Sa 50 years, golden.
BL : Alahas!
MC : Hindi. Paradito, kadalasan may handaan.
BL : Apunan!
MC : For movie publicity, ito ay pagpupulong with reporters at may mga
letrang PC? (Press Conference)
BL : Philippine Constabulary!
MC : Mali . May pagkain dito.
BL : Ponge Cake!
MC : Hindi. May mga reporters nga na sumusulat para sa movie magazine.
BL : Pilipino Classics!
MC : Hindi. First word is Press.
BL : Pres Cory!
MC : Si Inday Badiday ay tinaguriang Reyna ng . It starts with the
letterI.(Intrigues)
BL : I to I!
MC : Mali . Ito ay source ng mga away.
BL : Isnaban!
MC : Hindi. Ginagamit ito ng ibang mga artista at producers para kumita ang
kanilang pelikula.
BL : Interview!
MC : Hindi! Ito ay nakakainis!
BL : Insekto!
MC : Sino ang unang Chess Grandmaster of Asia na kapangalan ang isang chess
piece? (Eugene TORRE)
BL : Carole KING!
MC : Mali ! Mas mababa sa King.
BL : Al QUINN?
MC : Mali . Tagalog/Spanish ang apelyido niya.
BL : Armida Siguion-REYNA?
MC : Try again. Mas mababa sa reyna.
BL : BISHOP Bacani!
MC : Mali . Mas mababa pa sa bishop.
BL : Johnny MidNIGHT!
MC : Hay, naku, mas mababa pa sa knight.
BL : Jerry Pons!
MC : Bueno, nabanggit mo na halos lahat ng chess figures. Isa na lang ang
hindi pa at iyon na iyon!
BL : Ah, si Sylvia La Torre!
MC : Ano'ng flotation device ang ginagamit sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod
na nagsisimula sa letter S?
(Salbabida)
BL : Sirena?
MC : Mali ! Hindi ito babae!
BL : Siyokoy?
MC : Malipa rin! Hindi ito lalaki!
BL : Siyoke!
MC : Saan binaril si Jose Rizal? Nagsisismula sa letter B. (Bagumbayan)
BL : Sa back!
MC : O, sige. Pwede na rin na sa L nagsisimula ang sagot. (Luneta)
BL : Likod?
MC : Hindi pa rin. Paramas madali, RP and initials ng modern name ngayon.
(RizalPark)
BL : Sa rear part!
H : Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 peso bill?
Clue : Ang initials niya ay N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
C : Nora Aunor?
H : Hindi, ang last letter ng palayaw niya ay 'Y'
C : Guy Aunor?
H : Hindi, dati siyang senador.
C : Si former Senator Guy Aunor?
H : Hindi, patay na siya.
C : Ano!? Patay na si Nora Aunor!!??
*******************************************
GO BINGOwas a TV quiz show a few years back. The questions are not really
so difficult but the pace of questioning was fast. Combine that with
tension and nerves of playing on TV, and a few trick questions thrown every
now and then, and you have the following question and answer exchanges:
Arnel Ignacio: Hindi ito boob, hindi ito tube, pero tinatawag ng iba na
boob tube. Ano ito?
Contestant: Bra
Arnel Ignacio (Host): Kung ang ubo ay sa bibig, ano naman ang sa ilong?
Contestant: Vicks
Arnel Ignacio: Saan sinusuot ang basketball jersey?
Contestant: Sa paa
Arnel Ignacio: Nationality ng sanggol na may amang Filipino Catholic at
Protestanteng Ina?
Contestant: American
Arnel Ignacio: Ilang duwende ang kaibigan ni Sleeping Beauty?
Contestant: Seven dwarves
Arnel Ignacio: Ano ang ginagamit ng mga Eskimo sa halikan?
Contestant: Dila
Arnel Ignacio: Anong tawag sa isdang hindi bilasa?
Contestant: Tuyo
Arnel Ignacio: Ano ang ingay ng tandang?
Contestant: Kokak
Arnel Ignacio: Anong bukol ang makikita sa leeg ng mga lalaki?
Contestant: Kiss mark
Arnel Ignacio: Ano ang malambot na bahagi sa ulo ng sanggol?
Contestant: Batok
Arnel Ignacio: Sa anong bansa nakatira ang mga Hindu?
Contestant: Hindunesia
Arnel Ignacio: Ano ang isinusuot ng taong walang buhok?
Contestant: Kalbo
Arnel Ignacio: Si Superman ang lalaki. Sino ang babae?
Contestant: Darna
Arnel Ignacio: Ano'ng English ng amplaya?
Contestant: Asparagus
Arnel Ignacio: Ano ang kasunod ng kidlat?
Contestant: Sunog
Arnel Ignacio: Parasaan ang anti-dandruff shampoo?
Contestant: Kuto
Arnel Ignacio: Kung manicure sa kamay, ano ang sa paa?
Contestant: Kuko
Arnel Ignacio: Ano ang nasa gitna ng donut?
Contestant: Palaman
Arnel Ignacio: Merong 4 na seasons - spring, fall, winter, summer. Kelan
nahuhulog ang mga dahon?
Contestant: Sa storm
Arnel Ignacio: Ano sa ingles ang hinlalaki?
Contestant: Thumbmark
Arnel Ignacio: What is the capital of the Philippines ?
Contestant: P
Ang Alamat ng KASINUNGALINGAN...
Karpintero itong si Jojo at isang araw eh gumagawa siya ng isang bahay sa tabi ng ilog.Sa lakas ng pagma-martilyo niya eh nalaglag ang martilyo niya sa ilog.
Umiyak siya at lumitaw yung guardian angel niya, "tutulungan kita, Jojo".....sabay lundag sa ilog.
Lumabas ito na me hawak na gold hammer, "ito ba ang martilyo mo?"... "hindi po"...
Lundag uli ang anghel at lumitaw na me silver hammer, "ito ba?"..."hindi po"...
Lundag uli sa ilog ang anghel at lumitaw na me ordinary hammer, "ito
ba?"..." Opo" ...natuwa ang anghel. "Dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo, sa 'yo na rin ang gold and silver hammer"...
Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Jojo sa ilog at kasama ang misis niya. Eh sa katangahan, nalaglag si misis sa ilog...iyak si Jojo.
Litaw si guardian angel, "tutulungan kita"...sabay lundag sa ilog at ng
lumitaw eh kasama si Paris Hilton, "ito ba ang misis mo?"...sagot si Jojo, "opo"...nagalit si anghel, "sinungaling ka. Akala ko pa naman mabait ka"...
Nag- reason-out si Jojo, "sorry po, angel...kasi kapag sinabi kong
'Hindi', eh lulundag ka uli sa tubig at pag-litaw mo eh kasama mo si Jessica Simpson. At pag sinabi ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko, eh lulundag ka uli at ang tunay na misis ko na ang kasama mo. At dahil sa kabaitan ko, eh ibibigay mo din sa akin sina Paris at Jessica.
Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa, kaya 'Yes' na lang ang sinagot ko nung una.
Moral of the story: kaya lang naman nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki Eh for a good and noble reason. (daw...)
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W Bush, said, "I'm President of the United States, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower state. Above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, the American people won't let me die".
So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, a Priest, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old school boy, "I am a Priest and God will decide about my fate, so I will let you have the last parachute."
The boy said, "It's OK Father, there's a parachute left for you. The Americans' cleverest President has taken my school backpack."
fter having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization ", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal? "
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an ‘A’, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical ."
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you."
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again", she says. He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, So the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
We always hear or read "the rules" from the female side. Now we have one so I'm posting it.
Men's rules are (Please note.. These are all numbered "1" on purpose)!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 'S Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager
interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed" he
said. "
Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date
when you may start. The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an e-mail"
."I'm sorry", said the HR manager. If you don't have an e-mail, that means you do not
exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job." The man left with no hope at all. He
didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the
supermarket and buy a 10kg of tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door.
In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three
times, and returned home with $60.The man realized that he can survive by this way, and
started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every
day.
S
hortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.5
years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to plan his
family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and
chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his
e-mail. The man replied, "I don't have an e-mail. The broker answered curiously, "You
don't have an e-mail, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what
you could have been if you had an e-mail?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at
Microsoft!"
Moral of the story.
M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3- If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy/girl,
than a millionaire... Have a great day!!!
P.S. - Do not forward this email back to me, I am closing my email & going to sell
tomatoes!!! He! He! He
----- NOLAN -----
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains". The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches".
"Fifteen inches????" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blonde says, "Helllloooooooooo. I've got Windooooooows!"
"The aim of policy making is to invoke
action! Because action speaks louder
than words! You do not just say I love
you. You say: If you love me, enter
me! "
-Dr. Alfonso Pacquing
"Class, next week na lang ung result sa
exam nyo. I am having a hard time
checking it. I will seek first the
divine guidance on what to do about it.
Class dont worry about your grade. Let
me worry about it."
-sir de jesus,envi sci 1
(valentines day)
"Ano ba yan? Students ba kayo ng UP?
Bakit ang bababa ng scores niyo?
Siguro wala kayong date ngayong
valentines kaya ganito kayo. Losers!!!
When i was your age i had a date. Hindi
ba naapektuhan ng UP FAIR
euphoria ng grades niyo? Parang di
kayo masaya..."
(sabay matching tapon ng quizzes sa
sahig)
"I won't record this. Go find a date."
(sabay walk out.)
-Sir Doliente,BA.
Ma'am: Many people believe that we,
psychology graduates can read minds...
(silence) Actually, we can.
Class: Weh.. Sample..
Ma'am: Right now, you think that I'm
bluffin
-Ma'am Chei
"I don't give surprise long exams. all
exams are announced. Halimbawa,
Class, mageexam tayo, NGAYON NA!"
-Ma'am Chei (again)
"The human body is 70% water. Kaya wala
kayong kasaysayan lahat. Pag may
kaaway ka, sabihin mo sa kanya, TUBIG
KA
LANG!!!"
-Dr. Recio
"Oo, nagpapaulan ako ng uno... baket?
aanhin ko ba nun? di naman ako
yayaman dun."
A group of Aussie gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank.
After a lot of thought, they all agree on the way to go about it.
In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich.
Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately.
The robbers, expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, are more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.
The first safe's combination is cracked and inside the robbers find only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
'Well,' says one robber to another, 'at least we get a bit to eat.'
They open up the second safe and it also contains nothing but vanilla pudding and the process continues until all the safes are opened and there is not one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold to be found.
Instead, all the safes contain containers of pudding.
Disappointed, each of the mobsters makes a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.
The following morning, a Sydney newspaper headline reads, 'Australia's largest sperm bank robbed early this morning.'
REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence,witness or suspect, ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: " Di Namin Alam "
Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"
Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"
Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager natin na kamamatay lang?
Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya.
bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!
Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!
Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: "Lets help one another..."
Erap: "Tayo'y magtulungan. .."
Bush: "...let's strive together..."
Erap: "...tayo'y magsikap..."
Bush: "...because in union there is strength."
Erap: "...dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"
Bongbong -- Pare sinong idol mo?
Chavit--Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Bongbong-- Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
Chavit --Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.
Erap writing on a slum book:
Favorite Actor:
Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)
Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)
Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)
Arnold Clavio
Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin e
Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet...)
Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo ..pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!
Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan walang laman!
Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang! (hihihihi! )
Sa isang mumurahing airline:
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: 'Yes' or 'No' lang po
ANG NAKARAAN....
May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng daga?
DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!
SA PAGPAPATULOY. ...
Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong
sa daga ang resulta
ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila! =)
TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday! ?
TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell. ?
ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
FPJ: Anong problema?
ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...
FPJ: Anong title?
ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"
BUNSO: Tay , may multo daw sa kusina natin?
TATAY: Anak, sino naman nagsabi sayo nyan?
BUNSO: Si ate po!
TATAY: Ay nako, wag ka nga magpapaniwala dun! Wala namang multo eh! Ang mabuti pa samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina, at
iinom lang ako ng tubig..
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
KINABUKASAN? ?
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
KINABUKASAN ULIT??
BATA: Mama, pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Sinabi na ngang wala e! Pag nagtanong ka pa, iistepler ko na yang bibig mo!
AT KINABUKASAN NA NAMAN ULIT??
BATA: Mama, may stapler kayo?
TINDERO: Wala..
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas
PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo akong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko?!?! Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana.....ha?!?!
ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...
MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang.Hehe! Hik,
MRS: Lasing ka no?
MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik
MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?
Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"
Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?
Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.
Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!
Girl: Maganda ba ko?
Boy: Oo, kaya lang, Bumbayin ka...
Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang Bumbay, ah?! Tisay yata to!
Boy: Oo nga, pero 'yung amoy mo, Bumbayin!
Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!
Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
JoshuA: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?!
Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?
Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda: 98 y/o na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige po...manawagan na kayo.
Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!
Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man,
a family man" etcetera.
Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, "Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"
AND FINALLY....
Sa isang ospital...
Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo, lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! Walang modo!
Subject: TAWA NAMAN KAYO DIYAN.....
REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence,witness or suspect, ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: " Di Namin Alam "
Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"
Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"
Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager natin na kamamatay lang?
Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya.
bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!
Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!
Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: "Lets help one another..."
Erap: "Tayo'y magtulungan. .."
Bush: "...let's strive together..."
Erap: "...tayo'y magsikap..."
Bush: "...because in union there is strength."
Erap: "...dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"
Bongbong -- Pare sinong idol mo?
Chavit--Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Bongbong-- Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
Chavit --Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.
Erap writing on a slum book:
Favorite Actor:
Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)
Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)
Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)
Arnold Clavio
Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin e
Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet...)
Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo ..pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!
Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan walang laman!
Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang! (hihihihi! )
Sa isang mumurahing airline:
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: 'Yes' or 'No' lang po
ANG NAKARAAN....
May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng daga?
DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!
SA PAGPAPATULOY. ...
Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong
sa daga ang resulta
ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila! =)
TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday! ?
TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell. ?
ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
FPJ: Anong problema?
ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...
FPJ: Anong title?
ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"
BUNSO: Tay , may multo daw sa kusina natin?
TATAY: Anak, sino naman nagsabi sayo nyan?
BUNSO: Si ate po!
TATAY: Ay nako, wag ka nga magpapaniwala dun! Wala namang multo eh! Ang mabuti pa samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina, at
iinom lang ako ng tubig..
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
KINABUKASAN? ?
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
KINABUKASAN ULIT??
BATA: Mama, pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Sinabi na ngang wala e! Pag nagtanong ka pa, iistepler ko na yang bibig mo!
AT KINABUKASAN NA NAMAN ULIT??
BATA: Mama, may stapler kayo?
TINDERO: Wala..
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas
PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo akong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko?!?! Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana.....ha?!?!
ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...
MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang.Hehe! Hik,
MRS: Lasing ka no?
MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik
MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?
Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"
Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?
Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.
Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!
Girl: Maganda ba ko?
Boy: Oo, kaya lang, Bumbayin ka...
Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang Bumbay, ah?! Tisay yata to!
Boy: Oo nga, pero 'yung amoy mo, Bumbayin!
Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!
Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
JoshuA: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?!
Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?
Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda: 98 y/o na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige po...manawagan na kayo.
Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!
Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man,
a family man" etcetera.
Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, "Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"
AND FINALLY....
Sa isang ospital...
Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo, lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! Walang modo!
MMDA (with pen and ticket to a traffic violator):
Name?
Foreign driver: Wilhelm von Corgrinski Papakovitz
MMDA: Aah... ok... (sabay tago ng ticket) Next time be careful, ok?
***
Erap: Kalokohan! 'Di ako naniniwala! Walang taong ganun kataba!
Loi: San ang balitang 'yan?
Erap: Dito sa diyaryo. Sabi "British tourist lost 2000 pounds."
***
BF: Sunduin kita mamaya ha. Bubusina na lang ako kapag nasa harap na ako ng bahay niyo.
GF: Sige. Anong sasakyan ang dala mo?
BF: Wala, busina lang.
***
Nag-aapply si Tomas na security guard.
Interviewer: Ang kailangan namin ay taong laging may suspicious mind, highly alert, insistent personality, strong sense of hearing with a killer instinct. Sa tingin mo ba qualified ka?
Tomas: Sa palagay ko po hindi. Puwede po bang misis ko na lang ang mag-apply?
***
Always remember, when SHE cancels a date, she HAS TO.
But, when HE cancels a date... he HAS TWO.
***
Jr.: 'Nay, bibili ako ng HIGH CAKE
Nanay: Hindi high cake, anak. HOT CAKE 'yun.
Jr.: OK 'nay, whatever. Pahingi na lang ng barya.
Nanay: Sige, kumuha ka na lang d'yan sa SOLDIER bag.
***
Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow mang-gow?
Tindero: One way.
Kano: Meg-kanow?
Tindero: I sed ONE WAY.
Kano: Aynowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?
Tindero: ISANG DAAN. Understang?!
Edited by Debbie Ruth on 02-01-2009 18:56
REPORTER: Tita Cory, kung buhay si Ninoy ngayon, baka pangulo na siya.
CORY: Naka bilanggo siguro.
REPORTER: bakit naman po?
CORY: baka napatay na niya si Kris.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord, swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanap buhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
BETH: halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng BF mo?
MARIA: ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
BETH: sino may ayaw, tatay o Nanay?
MARIA: yung misis niya.
--------- --------- ---------
Quiapo Church :
MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na sa hospital. Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.
MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.
JEEP DRIVER: saan galling?
JEEP PASSENGER: sa akin.
JEEP DRIVER: papunta saan?
JEEP PASSENGER: sayo
------------ -------- --------- --------- --------
Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: Eh ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino 'yun!
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!
-----------------------------------------------
Job interview... .
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at ung
saan nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: o cge.. tanggap ka na!
------------ -- ------------
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto
niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya....
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos 'yung kabayo!
------------
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo? Anak: Itlog po.
------------ --
Dalawang holdaper sa bangko....
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math.Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!
-------- ----------- ----------- ------------ ------------
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.
